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white spiral

deserving love.

I have a final exam tomorrow in Québec history. I'm stressed, I'm exhausted, and I want to go to bed. I can't. I have another 36 hours until all my exams are over... and I'm afraid that's going to be 36 hours sans sleep. Hear me grumble.

But I need a break. My brain is fried. As much as I love history... too much of something is just that - too much.

My boyfriend and I are still together. It's been just over 2 months, and it has been pretty rocky these past couple of weeks. My insane schedule with school and his work schedule haven't been matching up, I've been stressed and so I just want to stay inside my little shell, and he wants to come home and spend time with his girlfriend. I've been relatively selfish and have been neglecting him, which has caused us being close to breaking up several times now. I get to go home this week for a week and a half, which is great. I'll come back ready all refreshed and energized... and ready to start spring classes lol.

In one of our big it-looks-like-we're-going-to-break-up-fights, he said something to me. It hurt to hear, but it was true. And it made me think. He said that being with someone else who doesn't have endo, who isn't in school, etc. would be easier (taken out of context it sounds even worse, I know, but I'm not about to give too many details here... can you blame me?)

But then he said something else. He said that just because I have endo... doesn't mean I don't deserve to be loved. It doesn't mean that I shouldn't be given that chance. There are a few other things on that list that make me not the most ideal girlfriend (again, details I'm not about to give away here, but they are things that can be very difficult to deal with in a boyfriend/ girlfriend).

But he's right. In all honesty, I have been extremely lucky with my past relationships (serious ones, that is). The guys I was with were supportive, kind, caring, understanding, and patient. Of course it was extremely frustrating when sex was entirely off the table, and probably led to some resentment towards me.

It makes me wonder. How many relationships have failed because our boyfriends, girlfriends, husbands, wives, fuck friends, lovers, fiancés, whatever... just can't deal with the fact that we have endo? How many of them have walked away from us, saying that it's just too difficult, that they don't need to deal with it, and that they can find someone who doesn't have these issues? How many of them have walked away from us, and walked straight into the arms of a healthy person who can bing-bang no problem and never think twice about it, never worry about getting her period, never stress about being stressed because it causes more pain, never worry about doctor appointments or prescriptions?

I can't say I blame them, to be honest. If the situation was reversed, would I have the strength to stick by someone so sick all the time? I can say "yes" because: 1, it's in my nature to take care of someone, and 2, I have already lived through that. I know what it's like. I can sympathize, empathize with that. If anything, having endo has made me a more loving person. I know how I want to be taken care of, I know how much it means and has meant to me, so of course I'm going to do that for someone else.

But not everyone has that experience. Not everyone understands chronic pain because they just haven't lived it, haven't seen it, haven't experienced it in any shape or form. Is it their fault? No, absolutely not, and they can't be expected to understand it. They just can't, and it's not fair to expect them to understand. If they're willing to stick around, then they will learn to understand - and they'll learn because they want to.

It's the first time that I've been in a relationship where the topic of my endo came up as a possible reason to end a relationship. Of course, when I first thought about it I was enraged, I was pissed, I was hurt, I felt betrayed, and I just wanted to yell and kick and scream and throw a tantrum and cry at the top of my lungs, "I didn't fucking ask for this!!!"

And then I took a deep breath and listened to him. He's incredibly honest and I appreciate his honesty (at least I know how he thinks, which means I understand him better). Yes, it can hurt... but that's just the dynamic of the relationship we're creating, I'd say.

Anyway. Despite it all, he's still here. He's still here because he accepts everything about me - the good and the bad. Now that... maybe isn't love yet... but it's close.

But, what he said is true... and that's the point I'm trying to make here at the end of the day...
Just because we have endo... doesn't mean we don't deserve to be loved.

P.S. I should have noted: my boyfriend is a truck driver, which means he's only around on weekends - which are often cut in half - and usually just one or two nights a week on weekdays.


Thanks for an idea, you sparked at thought from a angle I hadn’t given thoguht to yet. Now lets see if I can do something with it.

white spiral

April 2011

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