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white spiral

making love.

The symptom that alarmed my doctor in 2003, to the idea that I probably had endometriosis, was pain during sex. I was used to the cramps each month (that had gone from a few days a month to a week... and would later to go 2 weeks, 3 weeks, then every day), but this new symptom really bothered her.

She was right. She saved my life.

If it had not been for her, I have little faith that another doctor would have found a diagnosis. In the research that I did a few years ago, I found so many statistics of how long women wait for a diagnosis, how many doctors they see. If I ever have a daughter, her first or middle name must be Anna, to honour her.

Sex was painful. For several years it was painful. It was painful before sex, during, and especially after. How awful is it to feel like you don't want to make love to the person that you are in love with. The guy I was with at the time when I was diagnosed was not particularly understanding. He was even less understanding when I began my first round of Lupron (some women call it Liquid Gold, I call it the Essence of Hell).

I'm not about to give a list of the people that I have been with, but I know when I'm in love with someone or not by how my body responds to them. They're connected. My heart and my body. I have managed to succeed in having painless sex, but only with the people that I have been in love with. Of course I have had times where it absolutely has been painful, too. But painless sex. The first time it happened, I cried. There is a difference between pain, not painful, and pleasure. Those of us that are plagued with dyspareunia know the difference.

So I wonder how much of my experience is typical, or if it's just me? I wonder how much of my mind weaves in on this heart-body connection. Is it a triangle, a mathematical equation... a positive relationship with each 3 factors = a positive outcome, whereas a positive relationship with only 2 factors = unbalanced result? Now that's a topic to study... too bad I didn't think about that when I wrote my thesis.

So those are my thoughts for now. It's a snow day here today, and the city buses have stopped running. Even if I wanted to go to school, I wouldn't be able to. It looks like at least a foot of snow has fallen in the last 12 hours. My roommate and I both woke up early, both of us having something due this morning that neither of us were prepared for - and then found out it was a snow day for both of us, and danced around the kitchen. I'd go back to bed, but days like this can also be taken advantage of to get caught up. What was I thinking.... 6 classes plus a weekly practicum...


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white spiral

April 2011

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