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white spiral


I wanted to make a post about fertility and babies. I actually started this entry a few weeks ago, saved it and then completely forgot about it. I guess that's what happens when school consumes you...

For about the past year or so (longer, even) my mind has been on babies. My sister is having her first baby (a little boy) next month, my childhood best friend had her daughter last year, and there seemed to be a wave of pregnancies not long ago when all I saw on Facebook updates were that my friends were getting married and getting pregnant.

I know that my biological clock has been going off for awhile now.

I know of a young girl, she's 16 years old, and is about 5 months pregnant now. She has been telling people that she is not worried about having a baby, that she believes it will be easy, and she is hoping to have a girl so that she can dress her up. First of all, babies are not dolls. Secondly, I didn't think parenthood was supposed to be easy. When you're a parent, you are responsible for another human being's life - I didn't think that fell under the category of being "easy."

I know of another woman... she tried for years to get pregnant. She had to deal with the heartbreak of reading a negative pregnancy test every month, which in itself I can't imagine having to deal with. She finally got pregnant, gave birth, and her and her husband were happier than they'd ever been. A month later, they buried their daughter after she passed away from Sudden Infant Death Syndrome.

And lastly, a young woman that I got to know very well a few years ago... she is one of the strongest women I know, an endosister. She decided in her early twenties to make the heart-breaking decision to have a hysterectomy. She suffered from extreme pain from her endo and had gone through so many treatments, but nothing worked. She is a bright, sweet, intelligent, compassionate, and incredibly caring woman, and I know that she would be the most amazing mother. It's a fucking shame that she can't make a baby with love the same way people make babies in a drunken haze.

So the question I come to: who deserves to have children, and who doesn't? Is there even such a thing as deserving? One might say that young teens who are stupid enough to have sex without protection don't deserve the right to have children because they aren't mature enough (please note: these aren't my beliefs, more of just speculation, I guess)... but I just can't agree with this statement. My roommate, who is like a sister to me, had her son when she was 14. Her and her boyfriend (now her ex) planned their daughter a few years later. She is a wonderful mother. She doesn't have full custody, unfortunately. She is in university... she wants to have an education so that she can provide for her children. Who is to say that she doesn't deserve to have children?

This post is not a well-thought out one, it's more just simple ramblings... the idea of deserving to be a mother.

It's midterm time and I'm stressed. I have pain and I hate it. I hate how when I'm stressed, exhausted from staying up late studying, and hyped up on caffeine is when the pain really digs in. As if I didn't have enough to deal with already.

I met someone. He's really, really terrific. There's something about him that I can't put my finger on yet. I keep a wall up around my heart, and he is somehow managing to scale it. It's scary. What scares me is the idea of "what could be." I care about him, I'm insanely attracted to him, we talk and have great conversations (well... as best as I can, since we really only speak in French), and we're both sort of at the same stage in our lives, mentality-wise. The connection with this little anecdote to my post is that him and I talked about what we want in life.... marriage, children, work, etc. He wants children just as much as I do, and he wants them soon just like I do. I told him about my endo. He researched it. This guy that I just met took the initiative to go and look it up, learn what it was and what different things can help it. I was blown away... to say the least.

Anyway. Enough procrastination.


white spiral

April 2011

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